Reflections & Recipes

For a long time, I let the whispers of society and more specifically the voices of those closest to me state my value as a women. I grew up under the impression that my worth as a woman was measured by the "demand" for me.  Yes you read it right, I was lead to believe my worth was about how many men asked for my hand, how many were "checking in" or how many stopped me on the street to speak. And I found that a lot of women share maybe a bit of the same thinking, and it is very wrong. I’ve been through my fair share of "talking stages", maybe way more than I should, where I was asked, "Do men stop you in the street to talk to you?" which only backed up the idea of high demand in my mind, but  to be honest till this day never understood the meaning behind that question anyways.  When I gave my honest answer which is a no,  I was met with disbelief, distaste, or even a faint hint of pity. For a moment, I let that get to me. I started walking in circ...

  Sometimes, we do everything right. We drink the water. We cook the meals, We move our bodies and we finish our chores. We tell ourselves we will rest and slow it down. But rest is not just closing your eyes. Rest is not just sitting still because even in the dark, the "tabs are kept open" hanging in the air like ghosts, a tab for the message you didn't answer. a tab of the bill that hasn't arrived, a tab for the dinner you haven't planned for tomorrow, a tab of the health issues you keep ignoring .... dozen of tabs open at the same time looking at you .  We think we are resting, but our minds are still running. Waking up with tight jaws and heavy spirits, because the whole night we were carrying the weight of a thousand small "maybe’s" and "soon’s." I think the only way is to stop ignoring the noise of these tabs, I am the administrator and I should address each one individually, this tab is unnecessary and needs to be closed, this tab too bi...

 There’s a version of healing that people don’t talk about enough or maybe at all.  The part where you think you are doing okey or over whatever happened. Where you walk away from something that hurt you, feeling strong, composed at times proud of how easily you let go. And then, hours or even days later, it hits. Not gently. Not gradually but more like a slap from someone that was waiting for you to be alone. Suddenly, your chest feels tight. Your mind starts racing. Every thought you got rid off comes back louder, heavier, harder to ignore. The What Ifs, The Maybes... and all what comes with the doubts. You try to make sense of it, but it moves too fast overwhelming you like a horse on a rampage and refusing to be tamed. And that’s when the real struggle begins, because controlling your thoughts isn’t as easy as “just think positive” type of thing; not like flipping a switch ( low-key wish it is ). It’s not one decision. It’s a process that often looks like losing rath...

From the moment you are born, you begin to reach toward something, toward someone, toward anything. You strive, you want, you dream, you yearn. It feels almost natural, this quiet hunger living inside of us. Maybe, in some way, we are all a little greedy not in the harsh sense, but in the way our souls are never fully still. Will that hunger ever be quenched? Unlikely. But perhaps it doesn’t need to be silenced or quenched only softened and understood. There is a kind of peace in faithfully believing that what you have, right now, is enough. Enough emotionally, enough financially, enough in all the ways that matter in this moment. Not forever, not perfectly but enough for now. Because if you are meant to have more, it will come. There is no urgency in what is already written for you. Some things take days, others take years. But one day, in its own quiet timing, what you have been seeking will turn around and seek you back. And maybe believing in this, truly investing in this thought, ...

Everyday watching the steam rising from the same cup, the same swirl of white against the dark liquid starring right back like the thousand times before. It’s a trance more like a choice. Every day and morning building this wall of "SAME" brick by brick, just to keep the chaos and discomfort on the other side. People call it a habit, but it’s a fortress of self preservation where it’s the only place the floor doesn’t drop out betraying your feet. Is it delusion? Maybe, but there’s a weird comfort in knowing exactly how the day will disappoint anyway. It’s better than the "unknown" like a ghost foolishly fooling around you yet giving up the thrill of it for the sake of the silence.  Trading the fire for the lukewarm safety of a scheduled same existence.  In hindsight, thinking this is the outcome of forgetting how to feel, yet maybe feeling too  much and choosing this routine only sedates the overwhelming feel of it, is it the logic speaking or the espresso shot taki...

The Soul Within : Ever dream of a "happily ever after"? Not the hollow perfect ending of a novel, but something more grounded, a quiet afternoon on a porch where the world finally stops asking things from you. You sit there, and for the first time in a while, the air isn't a challenge or a chore it’s an embrace, as a light breeze brushes your cheeks, carrying the faint echoes of laughter and birds chirping reminding that life is happening, but for once, you don’t have to be in charge for once.  You close your eyes, letting the sun’s rays kiss your eyelids until the world behind your lashes turns a warm, radiant orange-yellow hue reminiscent Gemstone. It’s a simple moment, so fragile you almost hold your breath, wishing you could stay in it forever. In this space, the transformation happens. You are no longer the weary warrior, knuckles white from gripping the sword, eyes tired from scanning the horizon for the next threat. You are no longer the architect of a fortress bui...